This is week three (I think) of taking a reduced dose of Lamotrigine. I’m titrating down quite slowly and the whole thing will take about six months. I’ve been watching out for symptoms of mood swings that don’t fall in to my usual non pattern of instability. This week I was afraid that my mood swings had become more extreme but I’ve been experience symptoms of withdrawal.
I’ve been extremely irritable this week and as I’m an irritable person anyway it’s been quite unbearable. It’s been the uncontrollable and short fuse type of temper which has made me feel as though my brain is itchy. I really feel as though that I’m too close to insanity at times like this and not far enough away from suicide.
I had an horrendous nightmare last night which ensured I woke up with a hot brow, a tension headache and pain in my jaw caused by grinding my teeth. The nightmare was anxiety upon anxiety and I was terrified.
I dreamt that I was in the dental hospital and the consultation I was having was taking place in a public area. My dental phobia combined with my fear of lack of privacy all rolled into one. People do assume that because I blog and have talked openly about mental health in the media that I am not a private person but I defend my privacy stoutly.
A man in a hounds tooth jacket walked past us in this uncomfortable setting and stole my phone. I begged people to help me get through a door that refused to open as he ran away but they just stood by and looked as though it was some sort of street theatre. Even though he never got my keys or my purse I found that I’d been burgled when I got home and all the signs were that he was still in the flat. This stems from my not quite balanced ex who claimed he’d lost my door key when we split up. I don’t believe him and I fear that one day I’ll come back home and find him sat there when I walk in.
The flat I was dreaming of was one I lived in about 15 years ago and it was the unhappiest time of my life. The area and the neighbours where savage and, had I not had an emergency move, there was every chance that I would have committed suicide there.
I looked for my laptop and it was missing and I panicked. I have a smartphone and a tablet but my laptop gives me access to a world that I wouldn’t and couldn’t reach otherwise and so I dread losing that invaluable link.
This morning the electricity company was digging up the road and the electricity to my block of flats was off for most of the day. I knew I couldn’t stand the noise but I wasn’t too keen on being outside surrounded by people. As luck would have it, all the people I met today spoke to me with kindness and I not only managed to get through the day but I got through it with greater ease because of them.
The day moves on, the withdrawals ease and I am undiminished.