This period of ultradian cycling (more than one cycle in a day) has, apart from a few days per fortnight, has been going on for five or six weeks now. I’m exhausted and my sleep quality is poor and patchy. I’m barely awake during the day and barely asleep during the night. I’m not eating properly, I’m not looking after myself properly and I’m getting behind with things like laundry – running out of clean clothes to wear in fact.
So I’m taking a step back from things for a few weeks. I can do my “in the world but not of it” brand of being a hermit. I’ll dip in and out of Twitter and chat with people but I’ll also make a big effort not to get involved in long exchanges or big campaigns.
Talking to my GP earlier about physical health concerns led me to tears and only a vague idea of what we were actually saying about something quite important. Luckily I have people named via Lasting Power of Attorney who can speak to him and check up with what was said so if I can’t make informed choices then they can do them for me.
Manic depression aka as bipolar disorder is proving more and more punishing to me as I get older. I was quite open with my GP today and told him if I kill myself then it will because I’m too tired to go on living not because I want to die.
So now’s the time for a rest; reading, taking photos, spending time with the cats, the rats and the cavy and refusing to feel guilt for not being able to cope. I’ve been trying to tell myself to do this for a few weeks but, like most people who don’t know how to stop trying, I didn’t know how to stop trying.
I’ll be taking very little out of my life in reality but I’ll be doing it all at my pace if at all. There will be sleeping pills and diazepam to keep me in a little hazy bubble that will let me do just enough but not too much. I’ve resisted doing this for a long time and now I’m ready to embrace it.
So if I’m quiet don’t worry. If you say hello on Twitter or Facebook then I’ll chat back. I’m not isolating myself from the world I’m just making better use of my hermitage.