The latest learning curve…

…isn’t so much a curve but more like a graph representation of my milder mood swings. It’s been an odd time these past few weeks and I’m glad I’ve learned the things I’ve learned.

I’m tired, really tired but it’s not the kind of tiredness that improves with sleep and I’m not having bouts of insomnia because I’m sleeping pretty much through the night. I’m getting up at the normal time (my alarm is set for 8.00 but I usually wake way before then) and I’m going to bed at the normal time (always before midnight) but I’m still tired.

At first I thought it was an emotional reaction to a not very nice situation I’ve had online recently. I had a cyber stalker a few years back and I still get the jitters about it. I try not to get paranoid but I also try not to wind people up online because of what happened last time. Despite the fact that I blog and talk about my mental health doesn’t mean that I tell everything about me, I let very little out really. Do you know the colour of my eyes or what kind of sauce I have on a bacon sarnie? No, my opinions are public not the details of my life or the way I feel.

I don’t do big circles of friends and I don’t understand the people who do. I’m self-sufficient and I like living on my own. I like living on my own too much according to some people who see my sense of comfort in my own company as me isolating myself and cutting myself off from the world. I don’t like the world very much and there are days when I actively avoid it but I don’t cut myself off from it.

The friends I have are those lovely people that have just happened to cross my path in one way or another over the years and have stayed around in spite of the fact that I’m not the easiest person to get on with. I don’t make new friends easily and I don’t trust people easily. Recently I went against all my instincts with a new friendship and the resolution wore me out. I distanced myself from the person silently but there was still a little backlash online and that made me realise that I’d made the right decision.

There’s been the dog of course. He’s taken up a lot of time but no more energy really as I’ve always walked long distances, I’ve just got a companion these days and changes take their toll but I shouldn’t be this tired.

I thought that perhaps it was the amount of time I was spending at my computer editing photos and blogging but I’m learning short cuts all the time and so it’s more productive time with less effort. Surely learning isn’t meant to make me feel this tired?

Then there was a sort of penny dropping moment tonight. The biggest curve in the ups and downs lately has been the titrating down of lamotrigine. This tiredness has built up over a period of a few weeks and it coincides with the period I’ve been withdrawing from lamotrigine. One of the big withdrawal effects is tiredness of the kind I’ve been feeling. It’s more a fog than fatigue and explains why I can’t sleep it away. I feel a little more than stupid some days!

I’m relieved that the tiredness has a foundation in withdrawals because it means it will stop. Yes the people and the dog and the extra stuff I’ve been doing take their toll but they’re not responsible for the tiredness, at least not all of it.

So on I go and learning a little more each day, even if I am yawning my way through it.