Struggling. Again.

I’m struggling just to cope at the moment. I’m lagging behind with everything and despair of ever catching up. I’m still rapid cycling like it’s going out of fashion & sleep purely through exhaustion before I wake stupidly early because there’s something going wrong with me physically and, even though I don’t want to worry, I am. There’s nothing worse than involuntary worry.

It’s difficult to offer me support right now because I’m doing everything I can to keep going. I want to sleep now but have to see my GP and, because I’m manic I’m torn about what to do to fill the time before I go to see him. I was going to buy trousers (gorgeous tartan ones) but I’m writing instead. That’s mania for you.

I envy those people who have enjoyable mania because rapid cycling is just too exhausting. I have days where I feel dizzy and spaced out because my head can’t cope with all the changes. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night because I have big mood changes in my sleep now and then. That is not fun.

I’d meditate if I could settle to it. I’d take more photos but I’m having trouble concentrating on editing them. I need to spend more time with all of my animals than I’m doing at the moment but I can’t cope with the rats darting about and me having to crawl around on the floor to get them back in their cages. The cats are easier but its really only Freddy (my guinea pig) who is easy to be with.

This can’t go on for much longer. I’m telling myself that even though I know from past experience that it could, in reality, go on for months. I’m not sure but I think this is the third week I’ve been like this. It could be longer or shorter but I can’t say with any certainty because manic depression really screws my memory up.

So I go on social media and put on the front that says all is well when it’s not. I don’t want to moan and there are people who are far worse of I am. The spectre of suicide hovers too close some days but that’s something I tend to keep to myself. It frightens people to hear of genuine suicidal feelings but they have to be talked about.

I’m thinking that I should be doing something else other than this but should is a word that crucifies and controls so I’m trying to tell myself that I’d like to be doing something else.

What keeps me going is listening to my friends and family talking about their lives and what they do. It keeps me in touch with a reality that I can only imagine and can’t imagine how I’ll ever get back there. I will though because things will settle down eventually as that’s part of the unwellness too. It’s not called cycling for nothing.

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