RIP Amy Buel, thanks for all the hope

I read about Project Semicolon a year or two ago and the purpose of it really struck a chord with me.

It was inspired, if that’s the right word, by the death of Amy Bluel’s father. She wanted to honour his death after he took his own life which an inspiring act in itself. Project Semicolon was the result of tragedy and I’m sure it has saved more than one family from a similar tragedy.

I have had to fight the extreme urge to die too many times in my life. I used to scare my GP as he listened to the things I said to him. I had to get my medication on a daily basis, friends in the local police beat management team took my sharp knives until I could be trusted with them again and I hung on to life even when my grip on reality was at its weakest.

I recovered from that period of depression eventually and I began to gain some stability in my life.

Then the ultra manic episodes began and, during a very intense 90 minutes or so, I had to argue with my own brain just to stay alive. It would shout at me to die, to stop the pain and I would shout back that I knew it would pass if I just held on 10 minutes longer.

I still have those episodes and I’m exhausted for days after they’ve happened. Mental illness is so physical it literally hurts.

The core of Project Semicolon is that “the semicolon represents the continuation of life after struggling with thoughts of suicide and death.”

We could have chosen to stop but we chose to keep going.

I have my semicolon tattoo on my right wrist. During my extreme episodes I look at it and tell myself what it stands for and, alongside with the remembered support of four people I pass successfully through the episodes. Bipolar disorder hasn’t got me yet.

I read a web page today that has the story that Amy Buel took her own life on March 23 this year. I am overcome with sorrow that the woman who gave me so much hope and support has been beaten to death by depression.

Amy and I never spoke, we never exchanged texts and she had no idea I was in this world but we were linked by the fragile thread that all people who experience mental illness are.

I end this with Amy’s own words:

“Just don’t let them forget why I was here because that’s what’s important.”