Today I feel exhausted and the pain I felt from writing my most recent blog has left me feeling soulless. I rarely expose so much of myself when I write. People often think that they know me through my writing but that’s not true – they learn of my experiences but me, my inside self, is left inside of me.
There are two reasons for this and they are that I’m an very private person and that I’m a peeled baby.
So what is a private person doing writing a blog and what the hell is a peeled baby?
I write to let people know the reality of living with mental illness and I am mentally ill. In 45 years I have experienced little respite – the longest period lasted eight weeks. I do not write to raise awareness. Raising awareness is an empty phrase because you are aware of mental health problems or you are not and it is far better to educate people in a meaningful way rather than shouting very loudly, “Hey, do you know that there’s something called Mental Illness? No? About your business then.”
I tell you of the devastation of it causes in my life, I tell you of my reality. What you don’t know is the colour of my eyes, what my favourite fruit is, what this wonderful bed I talk of is like, why I prefer yellow roses over all others and the biggest (and toughest to cope with) phobia that I have.
You don’t know me, you know of my illness.
So what is the peeled baby thing? My GP once called me this and it’s a phrase he only uses when he refers to me. Simply he sees me wearing a suit of armour so tough and sturdy that nobody can penetrate it – life slings stones, boulders and unexpectedly attacks me and, to all intents and purposes, all these things bounce off me. Then I go home.
When I am in my safe place the armour comes off and there is a peeled baby inside of it; small, vulnerable and she has no way of coping with the world. She sits bleeding and unable to cope with the the things that other people call normal. She weeps sometimes and other times she is filled with an energy that is frantic and then she sits down again and is that peeled baby once more.
That is the harsh reality of my life. What you see is not what you get and I think I’m tired of hiding behind the armour. I’m too tired to pretend I’m coping. I’m tired of living the way I do. I’m tired of everything.
The only thing that’s keeping me going today is the love of my family, my close friends and my cats and dog. I am going through the motions because of the love and because the animals need me.
I am not suicidal, I am a peeled baby and a bloody exhausted one at that.