Coping, not coping

This week I have been experiencing insomnia in a way that I haven’t for the past decade. I’m waking in the middle of the night after four or five hours of deep sleep. By mid afternoon I’m crying with tiredness yet not having naps because I worry about the effect it will have when I get to bed at night. I’m in bed by 10.00 and awake by 2.00.

I used to love prolonged periods of insomnia. I felt as though I was the only person alive in the world; there was no traffic, no sounds, no trains – just me. The joy of sleeplessness has transformed into a boring chore and I can see from my social media timelines that a lot of people are having the same experience.

This is not any old insomnia, it is driven by the fear and uncertainty caused by the Covid-19 pandemic. We all want it to be over – the deniers so it doesn’t dominate their lives and take away their “rights” and the more sensible of us who just want a hug.

My GP thinks I’m coping but we both know that I’m not. My fragile mental health pushes me closer to suicide than is healthy at times and, though I have no suicidal ideation right now, it is never too far away from happening. It lurks round corners waiting just out of sight and then when I’m least expecting it out it pounces; the weirdest and wildest animal you could ever wish not to meet.

None of us are managing particularly well. Those who claim to be are buffered by money, foolishness and/or religion. The vast majority of us are not wealthy or can console themselves with religion though a good many of us are foolish. We are all taking risks despite doing our best to keep safe.

2 thoughts on “Coping, not coping

  1. If only I COULD hug you! I, too, am having unusual sleep, but opposite to you: I am sleeping oddly deeply, not so much falling asleep as taking a deep dive into unconsciousness. I have been taking medication for my anxiety for a few months, now. Usually, it helps, and quite a lot. Today, I had a sudden mood drop and I just wanted to cry, out of nowhere. Thank goodness my daughter was there and is an understanding person. She just hugged me for 5 minutes until I felt a bit better. You brighten my days and enhance my view of the world with your unique perspective. Virtual hugs from me to you, full of love and friendship!

  2. These are indeed difficult times for those of us with our own ” darkness” in whatever form it takes. Trying to keep ourselves and loved ones safe, when surrounded, and governed, by f**kwits of the highest order.🤬
    Look after yourself and we will both hope for brighter days ahead. Hud to you and cuddles for Leonard. 🐕 xx Val

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.