I’m still a sick pigeon…

I’m halfway through the process of becoming free of medication specifically to treat manic depression/bipolar disorder and it’s interesting to say the least.

After 20+ of instability and medication regimes so overwhelming (33 pills a day at one point) and distressing I decided this year to try to stop taking medication. I will still take medication periodically specifically to treat anxiety as it can fuel mania and also pills for insomnia as that drives me to hallucinations at times but none specifically to treat bipolar disorder.

I went through a Work Capability Assessment (WCA) this year and, without a face to face assessment, was put into the support group for Employment Support Allowance (ESA). This now gives me the time and energy that I’ve wasted fretting about what would happen if I had to fight my corner to work on self-management of bipolar disorder. I have, for the first time in my life, time I can devote to me and me alone.

Part of this time and energy is spent baking which is both therapeutic and money saving. It doesn’t always get done as, well managed or not, bipolar disorder will always steal far more of my life than I am willing for it to take. I can sit around in my pyjamas and edit photos all day if I want (or need) to and I can sleep without waking up in a panicky state just in case I’m told I’m well enough to return to work.

I’m doing well so far but recently I’ve been rapid cycling and I was worried that it was the result of reducing the medication I take. I’d been through nightmares as a symptom of the withdrawal, deep exhaustion as my brain freed itself from the drug and I was more than a little worried that those experiences would all be for nothing. Becoming medication free is the holy grail and I am close to touching it so I knew I had to talk to my GP about it and take note of what he said even if it was an instruction to increase the dosage of the drug I was trying to give up.

A long talk with him yesterday has put my mind at ease and all is back on track. The rapid cycling isn’t considered out of my normal range. I’m still able to assess my behaviour and respond accordingly and I’m aware of what is right and what is wrong. My big warning sign is irritability and it can often be out of control but I am able to rein it in at least a little so on I go.

I am not cured and I still live with the effects of a deeply destructive illness. I may become medication free but I cannot reasonably expect that to continue for my lifetime. I have time, energy and space to self-manage but I am still a very sick pigeon and there is no cure but I’m going to be a sick pigeon without medication and that makes me smile.