After a fall six months ago I spent five hours in A&E. I was told that recovery would be months not weeks. I thought I was prepared for that then the pain and muscular problems kicked in. I couldn’t get into bed one night because of muscle spasms and there are days when getting out of bed is almost impossible. I have to bathe using a bath stool because my back muscles can’t take my weight. One day the pain can be minimal and within hours it can be barely bearable.
I expected to have a period of acute pain but I am having to come to terms with the fact that I may never be free from chronic pain.
I want to talk about pain on social media but I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning. We’re encouraged to talk about mental health but not so much physical pain. Perhaps I’m considered to be falling into a pit of self-pity but I want to talk about it in the same way that I talk about mental health.
A recent two day trip toLondon was fabulous but the mattress on the bed was too soft and I’m still feeling the pain a week later. I am wary about going away for even a few days at a time because of that experience but I am not one to give in or give up so I will find away around it.
A the risk of sounding surly I don’t want advice about handling the pain because, in the same way I’ve learned to managed my mental health, I have to learn how to manage pain. It’s not a matter of coping with it it’s a matter of managing the results of it.
Imagine that you’re talking to someone and they suddenly change the subject. Would you think they were not listening, self obsessed or rude?
At times my mind moves so fast it leaps ahead making connections that have me running off on a tangent. I am often told that I talk at cross purposes or that I inhabit a different place from other people because of the way I converse.
The root of the problem is Bipolar Disorder. People associate the illness with mood swings or irrational behaviour but never with language or the problems that misuse of words can cause.
I began spouting obscenities in my mid-teens and a psychiatrist told me that it coincided with the onset of Bipolar Disorder. As I have grown older and my illness has progressed the swearing has become more frequent and my speech is quite crude at times. Difficult though it is I can control my behaviour to a point and I am always responsible for it.
Bipolar Disorder is stealing my words. It’s living in a corner of my mind that I can’t access. It is taking the words one by one and hiding them from me. It has stolen my eloquence.
As both good and bad stress increase and decline so does my swearing and crudity. During these times the few words I can access means that I find myself not being able to talk to people because I can’t say what I need to say. My words never return completely.
For the time being I can express myself reasonably well and I will say this – Bipolar Disorder is an illness not a disease but it leaves me in a state of dis-ease.
Every now and then I produce something that I’m almost proud of. I write well, I edit well and it gets a good reaction from other people yet when the afterglow has diminished I am convinced that I will never write as well again.
I have plenty to say but I can’t commit it to paper (I do my first draft in longhand) because I am convinced it will be inferior to the post I am most proud of at the time.
Friends who are both writers and readers tell me I’m a good and some of them tell me that they identify with my thoughts. I have written for the mainstream media as well as content for two websites. The websites were miles away from each other in style and content and the articles I wrote were often praised. Yet I still convince myself that I’m never going to write anything excellent again or, come to think of it, anything that’s even vaguely good.
I am not intimating that I have Imposter Syndrome or am self-stigmatising as they are phrases that have been invented to medicalise self-doubt. Self-doubt is natural and it is what drives every person to strive to be better.
The way for me to move forward has to be to write anything and publish those pieces that I lack confidence in. Not every blog post I write can be a jewel to fill my rather bare crown.
My new mantra has to be, “Liza – polish a turd, publish a turd.”