You’re never too old to learn…

…well at least I’m not.

Yesterday I was tired, miserable and couldn’t settle at home. I went for a meandering walk around the roads near where I live. All the houses look the same and when you look through the ones with lights in the windows they all look the same too so their sheer boringness bring on a sort of mindfulness. It was cold and it was getting darker and darker the longer I walked. I started to cry and let it happen since I knew that I was safe from a well meaning individual asking me if I was okay.

I became aware that I was hungry and my thoughts turned to how much of a burden it felt to walk home, cook something (even fish fingers and oven chips) and then have the energy and desire to eat it.

As I walked I exchanged a couple of texts with a friend who couldn’t understand why I was out walking when I was so obviously tired. Once I thought about I couldn’t either and made for home.

I tried to envisage cooking something simple and realised that it was beyond me. I had no soup in the cupboard or the fridge and I really wanted something that was pretty much instant. I try to eat healthily but my eating is chaotic because, when you never have two days the same, it’s difficult to eat well. I try and stay away from takeaways because I know how easy it is to rely on them but last night I thought “Why not?” and so I did.

Most of it got eaten on the way home – I say eat but it was more inhaling because once I started to eat I realised how hungry I was and how much my hunger had been steering my mood downwards. Had I not had the takeaway I dread to think what sort of state I would have woken up in this morning.

So I’ve learned that fast food isn’t always sin because it can save me from getting lower and so less tired. I’ve also learned that just because I have fast food one day it doesn’t mean to say I have to have it the next. The lesson I learned most of all though, is of course, that I don’t have the answer to everything and, sometimes the loudest voice in my head isn’t the right one but it can be the one that drowns out the reasonable one.

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