Well hello depression

I have always been on the depressive side of manic depressive and even during the times when I rapid cycle so many times a day that I lose count there was always the certainty that when the cycling stopped that I would stop in depression and not mania. Depression, while a disgusting and debilitating experience,… Continue Reading Well hello depression

Privacy and the peeled baby

Today I feel exhausted and the pain I felt from writing my most recent blog has left me feeling soulless. I rarely expose so much of myself when I write. People often think that they know me through my writing but that’s not true – they learn of my experiences but me, my inside self,… Continue Reading Privacy and the peeled baby

I’m going to talk, are you listening?

A few weeks ago I got a letter through the door telling me I was due for an ESA reassessment. Part of me dreaded looking at the form and so I didn’t for a few days and allowed myself to feel panicked and because I allowed that feeling it passed. When I looked at it… Continue Reading I’m going to talk, are you listening?

Waiting for Kafka

I am in constant preparation for the next bout of episodes. I always hope that episodes will be of the long kind as they’re much more gentle on my body and mind (though still incredibly destructive) but those are an increasingly distant memory. Unfortunately for me I rapid cycle and rarely do anything else and,… Continue Reading Waiting for Kafka

A list of a lot of things

I seem to spend half my life trying to keep up with the targets I set for myself and then being surprised when I don’t achieve them. You’d think that by now I would have learned that setting targets isn’t the way for me to go. I’m a perfectionist and I demand far more perfection… Continue Reading A list of a lot of things

Of Eric and Ogden

At the end of July I had a consultation with a psychiatrist that I’d know fn a long time. I was feeling manic and had done for nearly a year and it had stemmed from an attempt to go medication free. Being medication free is the Holy Grail for most people with mental health problems… Continue Reading Of Eric and Ogden

Desperate and deranged

I have had three days of hell. I know people describe days as “hell-like” a lot but when the hell is in your own mind and conspiring against you it really is bloody hellish. I’ve tried to get across to my GP and a psychiatrist that I’ve been manic for over a year now and… Continue Reading Desperate and deranged

Equality and the doctor’s receptionist

This isn’t a terribly coherent post, I just really need to rant or else I’d be tempted to lamp somebody. I’m a bit angry and I’ve really, really, really bit my tongue hard during a phone conversation I had about half an hour ago. I have this pain in my left breast and it’s not… Continue Reading Equality and the doctor’s receptionist

How to pronounce ciabatta, a rant & phoning the BBC while asleep

I’ve got listings on a website to update but I won’t be able to settle down and do them until I’ve written. I have little idea of what I need to say beyond the opening paragraph but I know I have something to say – whether it’s meaningful or not is unimportant. I’m wondering if… Continue Reading How to pronounce ciabatta, a rant & phoning the BBC while asleep

Today is gratitude day…

Yesterday was the final day of three days of mania. It was extreme irritability day (I was very annoyed with myself even) and it was breaking point day. If I were ever to commit suicide – and I sincerely hope that I never will – it would be on the final day of a manic… Continue Reading Today is gratitude day…