Privacy and the peeled baby

Today I feel exhausted and the pain I felt from writing my most recent blog has left me feeling soulless. I rarely expose so much of myself when I write. People often think that they know me through my writing but that’s not true – they learn of my experiences but me, my inside self,… Continue Reading Privacy and the peeled baby

I’m going to talk, are you listening?

A few weeks ago I got a letter through the door telling me I was due for an ESA reassessment. Part of me dreaded looking at the form and so I didn’t for a few days and allowed myself to feel panicked and because I allowed that feeling it passed. When I looked at it… Continue Reading I’m going to talk, are you listening?

Desperate and deranged

I have had three days of hell. I know people describe days as “hell-like” a lot but when the hell is in your own mind and conspiring against you it really is bloody hellish. I’ve tried to get across to my GP and a psychiatrist that I’ve been manic for over a year now and… Continue Reading Desperate and deranged

How to pronounce ciabatta, a rant & phoning the BBC while asleep

I’ve got listings on a website to update but I won’t be able to settle down and do them until I’ve written. I have little idea of what I need to say beyond the opening paragraph but I know I have something to say – whether it’s meaningful or not is unimportant. I’m wondering if… Continue Reading How to pronounce ciabatta, a rant & phoning the BBC while asleep

On being unbelievably ratty…

I’ve been really high manic again for three days and it’s wearing me out. I’ve baked bread and scones, I’ve done laundry, I’ve hoovered every day (unheard of) and walked for miles and it’s all taking it’s toll. When I have a long cycle through a very high mania I tend to have a build up over… Continue Reading On being unbelievably ratty…

Stop the world, I want to get off

I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist again. My GP requested a referral and we’re both hoping I’ll get to see my last consultant mainly because he’s amazing at his job but also because I saw him for about 10 years and we developed a mutual language so it would be easy to talk to him.… Continue Reading Stop the world, I want to get off

Changes, changes, changes

After around 8 – 10 months of what has become chronic mania I am finally depressed for more than 24 hours. It feels awful but it also feels good in a bizarre way. I’m not in a high grade depression, it’s relatively low grade, and so liveable with. Strange though it may seem to some… Continue Reading Changes, changes, changes

The deterioration of self…

I feel as though I’m disappearing quickly and all that is left to see and feel is mania (though one day I’m sure that mania will be replaced by depression). It’s quite a dramatic thing to think and say but it is by no means the statement of a drama queen. Last week I went… Continue Reading The deterioration of self…

An endless springtime

There is a theory, to which I subscribe, that manic depression is a hibernation cycle that has gone badly wrong. In the lows, the depths of mood where it is impossible to feel even in despair, we are hiding in caves not of our choosing waiting for spring to creep in and enlighten our lives.… Continue Reading An endless springtime

A head full of shit

I feel a bit strange and have done for a few weeks now. As I return back to my version of stability, which is really a level of instability that I can live with, I’ve become aware of, and am coming to terms with, certain things. The first, and arguably most important, is that I’ve… Continue Reading A head full of shit