Well hello depression

I have always been on the depressive side of manic depressive and even during the times when I rapid cycle so many times a day that I lose count there was always the certainty that when the cycling stopped that I would stop in depression and not mania. Depression, while a disgusting and debilitating experience,… Continue Reading Well hello depression

I’m going to talk, are you listening?

A few weeks ago I got a letter through the door telling me I was due for an ESA reassessment. Part of me dreaded looking at the form and so I didn’t for a few days and allowed myself to feel panicked and because I allowed that feeling it passed. When I looked at it… Continue Reading I’m going to talk, are you listening?

Equality and the doctor’s receptionist

This isn’t a terribly coherent post, I just really need to rant or else I’d be tempted to lamp somebody. I’m a bit angry and I’ve really, really, really bit my tongue hard during a phone conversation I had about half an hour ago. I have this pain in my left breast and it’s not… Continue Reading Equality and the doctor’s receptionist

Stop the world, I want to get off

I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist again. My GP requested a referral and we’re both hoping I’ll get to see my last consultant mainly because he’s amazing at his job but also because I saw him for about 10 years and we developed a mutual language so it would be easy to talk to him.… Continue Reading Stop the world, I want to get off

The deterioration of self…

I feel as though I’m disappearing quickly and all that is left to see and feel is mania (though one day I’m sure that mania will be replaced by depression). It’s quite a dramatic thing to think and say but it is by no means the statement of a drama queen. Last week I went… Continue Reading The deterioration of self…

A head full of shit

I feel a bit strange and have done for a few weeks now. As I return back to my version of stability, which is really a level of instability that I can live with, I’ve become aware of, and am coming to terms with, certain things. The first, and arguably most important, is that I’ve… Continue Reading A head full of shit

Rats, ovens & kindness

It’s been a hell of a week. My GP told me that I’ve coped well but I haven’t. I’ve coped but badly. My clothes haven’t been changed often enough. I haven’t had enough baths. I haven’t eaten properly. My washing up took me two hours to do this afternoon. I have coped badly. It started… Continue Reading Rats, ovens & kindness

I’m still a sick pigeon…

I’m halfway through the process of becoming free of medication specifically to treat manic depression/bipolar disorder and it’s interesting to say the least. After 20+ of instability and medication regimes so overwhelming (33 pills a day at one point) and distressing I decided this year to try to stop taking medication. I will still take medication… Continue Reading I’m still a sick pigeon…

Leaving the medication behind…

A few years ago I was so seriously disorientated by my mental health problems I was forgetting to top up my electricity and gas meters, forgetting to cook food that I’d bought and was deteriorating rapidly. There wasn’t an obvious reason for this decline, it’s just the way it is sometimes when you have serious… Continue Reading Leaving the medication behind…

On celebrating 24 years without booze…

It would be odd if it went without notice that today was St George’s day or Shakespeare’s birthday (and his death day if you want to be picky) but for me it’s the day I celebrate how long it is since I stopped drinking and today it’s 24 years. For someone who didn’t think that… Continue Reading On celebrating 24 years without booze…