I’ve felt the urge to write today and I think it’s because I need to write about my day. It hasn’t been a particularly unusual day but it has been a day filled with the payback from good stress and bad stress.
Every three or four months I have a night or two away from home, usually in London & Kent, to catch up with friends and to meet with one of the people who holds Lasting Power of Attorney for me. I’m more obsessive than compulsive when it comes to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and I make plans two or three months ahead of these trips so that I have time to obsess and worry at my leisure. That sounds a bit strange but if I’m going to fret then I may as well to it in a measured way so as to control the cycle as much as I can.
I was away last week for a few days. It was a perfect time and I met up with friends and had a great time with them. I spent a lot of time wandering and taking some photos. With one friend we did some brainstorming about a website he’s in the process of setting up and that was good in itself. Too many people write off people with mental health problems no matter how intelligent they are.
That was good stress, enjoyable stress.
On Tuesday I had an operation on my mouth. What should have been a routine extraction became an operation because the tooth had collapsed under a crown and there was nothing to grip on to. Added to that was my slightly unusual roots which had to be drilled apart and what appeared to be an aborted attempt at root canal surgery. I worried about it and as the day got nearer my panic got a little more intense. I have a phobia and need to have sedation so that I remember nothing and the process is easier for me. It’s not easy. The good thing about the whole procedure on Tuesday was that because my gum was cut open I
ve had stitches and so there is no need for those awful salt rinses and no need to worry about developing a dry socket. I do worry about bleeding though because I always bleed longer than usual and when I had my tonsils out complications meant that I had a blood transfusion after I had bled profusely for five days. I think traumatic is the word.
Today I was expecting a Sky box to be installed at home and was really looking forward to it. When the engineer got here there was a problem because the customer sales advisor who took my order on the phone didn’t send a viewing card for some reason and that means I can access Freeview channels but not the Sky channels unless I use my iPad, Yes, this is a first world problem, yes it does seem a little dramatic to let it affect me and yes, I am aware that I sound a bit like a spoiled brat but I have no control about the reaction my mind will have to anything and today was the last straw. The promised phone call to sort the problem didn’t happen and I had to ring them and sort it out. I think it was a result that I felt totally overwhelmed but I didn’t lose my temper and as a result got the matter sorted in a way that I can’t complain about – if it goes to plan.
There has been tears today and a big sense of not coping and it has been the collected stress of the last two weeks that has caused this. I’ve given in to the tears and tried to remember that the day started off well because I got photos of the partial solar eclipse this morning and that was a wonderful experience.
I got a text this afternoon from a friend and it knocked me off my feet a little. It was kind and loving and exactly what I needed to be told today. That’s friends for you though, they know what you need to hear when you need ot hear it.
Tonight I’ve sat and counted my blessings and they are too many to list here but I’ll share a few with you –
I’ve eaten properly today for the first time since my surgery and it was good;
My cats played with bubbles – the look on their faces as the bubbles drift down towards them is amazing;
I had banana milk for the first time in ages – it still doesn’t taste of bananas but it tastes of comfort;
I finished a book I bought to read on 10 hours of train journeys back in January and though it’s not the best book I’ve ever read it wasn’t disappointing and finally,
I had a bath, washed my hair, sat down on the sofa and haven’t moved since.
Stress, be it good or bad, can be destructive for those of us with manic depression but we don’t have to let stress take us off into places we don’t want to go. Counting my blessings was being mindful and being mindful can anchor the mind in a way that nothing else can. I didn’t think I’d been feeling this settled tonight when I looked at how my day has been but looking at my day has made me realise that there has been more good than bad and that today I win.