Ingratitude, tiredness and leave me aloneness

I don’t have a plan for this piece of writing or why I have a deep urge to write but I have to give in to it and see what comes out of it. This happens a lot and sometimes it ends up on here and sometimes it ends up in my diary. A diary in this age of publicly displaying feelings? Yes because on here I tell the world what I’m comfortable with sharing but in my diary I talk about the things that I discuss with no-one; it’s the words that course through my head and it’s deeply private and personal.

I think part of me needing to write is that I get fed up of tweeting out into the ether and people asking me if I’m okay and suggesting things to help me and those things being inappropriate. I know people mean to help but the lack of knowledge about bipolar disorder/manic depression is far greater that the combined knowledge. We are all different and some of us are more fucked up than others.

I tweet about what I do and I tweet that I am exhausted but fail to say what exhausted means. It’s not tiredness that goes away with a decent night of sleeping. I sleep solidly every night (once I conquer the hypnophobia yet again) and sometimes I have to resort to medication. When I mention taking a sleeping pill there will usually be a ‘helpful’ tweet about how they’re not good if you take them too long which makes me feel as though I’m an idiot who can’t work this out for themselves.

I’m not angry or ungrateful but I am tired of people telling me what I should or should not do. It is widely acknowledge that saying ‘should’ or ‘ought’ is bad, really bad, bordering on a sin but when we say it to other people it’s okay somehow. It’s not.

I’m also tired of trying to explain to people that I’m not coping with bipolar disorder I’m managing it. I have no control over it, I can only try (and often fail) to minimise the impact it has on my life. I’m not fighting it or battling it or suffering from it – I have it and that’s all there is to it. I try to cope with it, I attempt to manage it but I don’t battle with it. It’s not a physical being that offers me out at every opportunity.

I’m tired as I write this. I’ve baked bread today, made some scones (and eaten them) and roasted a chicken. I ate some chicken for dinner but I’ve also eaten too much sugar and I hate the effect that that has on my body. Please note – if I give myself a hard time that’s my business, truly.

I’m tired and have been all day but I’m berating myself for not ironing clothes even though I have a wardrobe full. Yes it does matter if I do ironing because it helps the eczema that I have and no thank you I don’t need advice about how to manage that either.

I’m tired and I both want and need to say that without having advice thrust upon me. When I tweet, when I write, when I talk I don’t ask for advice I just exercise my right to speak out about any subject I choose. Free speech isn’t confined to politics.

The best thing about writing a blog is being able to write all these things down and shove them out there because if they’re not in my head they’re leaving room for something else. No drama, no advice needed – just gently letting off steam.