After my realisation last week that I was quite ill (very ill if I’m honest) I immediately began to look for solutions to the problem.
The problem with solutions is that what we want ideally doesn’t necessarily exist and sometimes we don’t really know what we want but we do know that we want none of the solutions on offer. Fantasy v Reality.
I’d like my meds to be upped to the dose I need straightaway but this isn’t going to happen. The drug I take has to be increased slowly and I will suffer the same side effects going up as I did reducing – horrendous nightmares, wild irritability (those difficult to distinguish from manic irritability) and anything else it feels like throwing at me. I wonder with half a mind if it’s worth it but luckily I have the experience that says it is and can fight the urge to stay in the disgusting instability I’m currently in.
It’s easy to write off the only solution or treatment available because we don’t think it suits us but it can be a gateway to the solution that does. My last consultant dared me to treat everything like a scientific experiment and I did. He was often right and he was also often wrong but we got there in the end.
I’m in a position that I was last in eight years ago. I’m currently a bigger danger to myself than I have been for many years and I’m treading very carefully on the eggshell fragments that my mind appears to have shattered into.
I can be negative and tell myself I’ve taken a step backwards in my recovery (by recovery I mean maintaining a kind of stability in my continuous instability which allows me to function vaguely well) or I can think positively and tell myself that I’m revisiting coping strategies that I haven’t had to use for a long time.
I have to look back and remind myself that, though I’m back where I was about eight years ago, I’m much further on than I was 21 years ago when I first received my diagnosis and I have no urges to self harm. I also need to remind myself that it’s okay to look back as long as I don’t stare and become fearful or moving forward.
Onwards and hopefully not upwards.