Desperate and deranged

I have had three days of hell. I know people describe days as “hell-like” a lot but when the hell is in your own mind and conspiring against you it really is bloody hellish.

I’ve tried to get across to my GP and a psychiatrist that I’ve been manic for over a year now and it began when I tried to reduce the medication I take. I do this from time to time as do a lot of people with mental health problems because the medication is seventy different kinds of foulness.

I became unstable last year, I don’t remember too much about the event that convinced me that I was manic but a friend does and described my behaviour as “out of character”. This concerned me and it was enough to get me back to my GP and back on proper drug doses again. I didn’t level out and there had to be a chat to my former consultant so that the dose could go up and I still haven’t levelled out.

There was a visit to a psychiatrist who told me he didn’t believe that I was hypomanic because of my behaviour (which is an exaggeration of my normal range of behaviour and mania distorts behaviour) and sent me off for a CT scan on my brain that came back all clear.

I had resigned myself to there being something wrong with my brain and there being some other explanation for my current run of weirdness but I think, in a way, I was really resurrecting an old hope that I didn’t have bipolar disorder after all. Heaven knows what I wanted it to be but some days anything would be better that the bipolar label.

On Tuesday my head exploded. I had an extreme manic episode of the kind I haven’t had for a few years. My mind races so fast that eventually I can’t speak and I want to die just to stop the pain. If anybody ever tells you that mania is purely a physical thing then don’t believe them – I still have the headache and it’s Thursday evening. I managed to talk to a doctor and the two guys who hold Lasting Power of Attorney for me and I don’t think I made much sense to any of them.

I felt desperate and by the time I saw a GP on Tuesday evening I was exhausted and I’m still pretty tired. As you age mania burdens you physically in ways that it doesn’t when you’re younger; the wild energy eats away at your body and soul destroying your mind for at least a while. It is devastating.

Yesterday I spoke to a triage nurse on the phone and I was at the desperate and begging stage. All I wanted was to be both unconscious and yet well at the same time. Mania has me wanting to live with the same kind of savageness that makes me want to die.

I’ve slept and as my energy has became more usable I’ve been able to cook without setting myself or the flat on fire and because my energy was usable last week at least home is largely clean and tidy. Except for the bathroom, I’m never manic enough to want to clean the bathroom.

Today I saw a psychiatric nurse who came to see me in my own home to do an assessment. He’s confident I don’t need hospital or sectioning and that a medication review is the way forward but it’s not going to be as quick as I want it to be. There was a team meeting this afternoon where I will have been a topic of discussion and someone will write to me and tell me what will happen. So any solution is at least a week away from starting and it’s going to be a long time to wait.

I’m angry that I can’t have a quicker solution but when mental health services have been stripped to the bone (and they weren’t exactly fleshy bodies to begin with) then the government decides to graciously sling some money at them that doesn’t even get to fund people like me it’s a pointless anger.

There is no safety net you know, it’s just two pieces of string knotted in the middle – the emperor’s new clothes of medicine.