I have this overwhelming anxiety. It has been present for over a year now. It rarely stops though, from time to time, it recedes and then comes back with a bang. I’m trying to identify its origin but it’s difficult as it could be anything.
I’m hypnophobic which means I have a phobia about sleep. I’m always surprised to wake up in the morning. I can trace this back to nuns when I was tiny. They gave me a prayer to say every night just in case I died in my sleep. It’s a despicable practice and haunts me even now.
I worry about eating to the point I’m on a binge/starve cycle. I have no uvula at the back of my throat as it was removed during surgery some years ago. It’s a tiny thing but it guides food down the right way. I’ve choked several times in the intervening years and it scares the hell out of me. People don’t step in to help like those heroes you read about in the newsparer they stand by and watch. This is the origin of the binge/starve cycle. I eat to make up for not eating when I can eat little. I eat poorly and I am overweight and I despair. Today I have eaten toast chewed up into a, hopefully, harmless mess. I sigh with relief each time I manage to swallow a tiny bite.
Because I have trouble eating I also have trouble taking medication. Lithium is my base drug but the tablets are huge and I can’t swallow them. I’m changing to liquid lithium tomorrow which is an improvement but only just an improvement. I’m not terribly compliant when it comes to medication and this current situation makes things worse. I avoid the medication and the anxiety becomes worse so I avoid the medication and the anxiety runs riot.
I’m considering stopping the lithium entirely and changing to depot injections of an anti-psychotic that won’t give me the level of stability I have with lithium but would enable me to stop taking a medication that I’m constantly fighting with and against. I find the side effects of anti-psychotics debilitating and destructive but I’m desperate and I need to eat properly again. I need to lose weight. I need to be nourished and healthy.
I haven’t made my decision yet and whilst I come to that decision I’m living between a rock and a hard place – a very hard place.